I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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