let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
