here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize