I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
