Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
