I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
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She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
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Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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