You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
