I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize