I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
