Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
