You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
as a side note pls kill me
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
