____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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