i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Randomize
