i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
