I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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