My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
