I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
