how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
