when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I checked into jail on foursquare
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
