best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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