I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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