we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
