he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
