I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
