Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
