I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
