I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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