She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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