I love black thongs
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
