i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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