dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
