his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
