i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
