Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
