her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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