ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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