Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
