As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
