i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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