your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
