...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
