Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
