Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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