i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
