He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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