Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
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