it hurts more in the daytime
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
