Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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