Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
