Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
