Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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