I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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