did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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