I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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