Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
