I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
