Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
