His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Come share oat with me in your robe
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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