you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
