the condom got lost in my hair
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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